What would it be like if there were an Olympics for Moms and the "games" we play? I asked this question in the Experiences In Motherhood Survey Group recently and here's the results of our week-long conversation. We picked our events, we picked the location (based on where we want to vacation), we picked the awards for first, second, and third place, and then we picked what all we would want to have in our Athlete's Village.

The ladies in the group went even further to describe the events included in the games. Want to know more about the events? Remember, this is just for fun. I am in NO WAY promoting or encouraging competition between moms. That's just redonckulous! This is meant for fun and instead to bring us together in some of the less-than-notable events and tasks along our motherhood journey! Here ya go...

Endurance Events

Morning Rush, presented by Lindsey and Wendy

Task: Get everyone, with everything, out the door on time

Conditions:

Given: 1 spouse, 2 school-aged kids, a list of tasks to complete (see image) and multiple items per family member (backpack, briefcase, field trip form, after school snack, show and tell, library book, etc)
The event will take place outdoors and appropriate weather attire needs to be included
Subsequent rounds will consist of delays including: all of a sudden someone has to shit/full-up diaper blowout, can’t find the keys, and more

Standards: Everyone, with everything, gets out the door on time. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

Each item left behind (disqualified if a human is left behind)
A skipped task-list item
Forgetting to feed the dog
Swearing
Tears (I don’t care who they are from!)

Mealtime, presented by Maya and Cassidy

Task: Feed two children dinner

Conditions:

Given: 1 12-month old child and one toddler (between age 2.5 and 3.5), plates, utensils, and water.
Given: ten (10) of the children’s favorite food options including macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, pizza, fish sticks, goldfish, banana, cheese sticks, fruit snacks, yogurt tubes, and pirates booty
two bibs
BONUS POINTS given if athlete is able to remain seated at table for at least 5 minutes

Standards: Both children have a clean plate and the meal is complete 30 minutes after children receive their first course.

Deductions for:

Dirty clothes
Number of mom’s trips back to the kitchen
Food in hair or on dog
Tears (I don’t care who they are from!)
Taking time beyond the 30 minutes

Grocery Shopping with Kids, presented by Allison

Task: Go the the grocery store with children

Conditions:

Given: 1 kid-friendly grocery cart, 10 items to purchase (on a mental list), and your regular grocery store
This grocery trip takes place prior to child’s nap (if child naps)
Time/speed is not a factor (but may impact some of your deductions like tears, swearing…)
Subsequent rounds will consist of increased number of children on the trip

Standards: Purchase everything you need, nothing more, with no tears or impulse purchases.

Deductions for:

Each item not purchased
Impulse purchases
Swearing
Tears (I don’t care who they are from!)

Airport Travel-athon, presented by Audrey

Task: Travel by air: get from parking garage on to the airplane

Conditions:

Given: 1 child plus child’s checked bag and carseat and athlete’s carry-on bag and checked bag
Navigate airport security with non-parents and TSA-compliance
Get from one terminal to another

Standards: Seated in seats with all bags on the airplane. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

Additional bags used
forgetting or losing something (or someone)

Bedtime Decathlon, presented by Ana

Task: Complete bedtime routine for time

Conditions:

Given: 1 each 4 year old child needing the following bedtime routine tasks: complete homework, eat supper, bath/shower, brush teeth, dress/diaper, brush hair, read book, prayer, song, snuggle

Standards: Complete all bedtime tasks. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

Crying from child
skipping a task
skipping pages in the book (you know you do it!)

Vehicle Events

Car Seat Strap-Down, presented by Shai

Task: Strap an angry child into his/her carseat

Conditions:

Given: 1 each, angry, 23 month old child, one convertible carseat, and athlete’s personal vehicle
Athlete must secure carseat to vehicle first
Athlete must properly buckle child into car seat
Carseat technicians will inspect carseat installation as well as child buckling
Subsequent rounds include: rear-facing carseat, rain, and/or driving a 2-door vehicle

Standards: Buckle tantrum-throwing 2-year old into car seat as fast as possible, in accordance with all safety requirements.

Deductions for:

No deductions here. Do what you gotta do, athlete! We applaud your creativity and use of your knee.

School Drop-Off Marathon, presented by Tracy

Task: Drop off children at four schools, with all of their items, and embarrass them

Conditions:

Given: 1 vehicle, 1 preschooler, 1 elementary schooler, 1 middle-schooler, and 1 high schooler
Must have all of their stuff for school that day: lunch, drink, outerwear, backpack, homework, show and tell, milk money, sports equipment, bus pass, yada, yada, yada
Athletes will request all props/accessories prior to execution of the event (music, subwoofers, window paint, etc)
Athletes may request props prior to starting the event (carrier, exercise ball, rocking chair, sound machine, pacifier, anything, ANYTHING that will get that kid to sleep and stay asleep!
Points awarded for creativity, execution, choreography to include other vehicle occupants, number of additional head-turns from passers-by
Event is judged similarly to ice skating and gymnastics with each event having a general difficulty score then deductions coming from performance

Standards: Execute and perform your choreographed routine as flawlessly as possible. Dropped off child must display embarrassment in the form of head hanging, nervous laughing, running away, or swearing (except the preschooler - no one what’s to hear a preschooler swear!)

Deductions for:

injury to anyone resulting from the athlete’s performance
injury to anyone inside the vehicle

Distracted Driving, adapted from Sandra (do not try at home)

Task: Find the thing the child is yelling for, while driving (please note, I do NOT encourage unsafe driving of any kind. But, I know we do it, so let’s just have fun with it!)

Conditions:

Given: 1 each upset 2 year old child, in child restraint, an assortment of toys and snacks, and the athlete’s personal vehicle
Normal, 4-way traffic intersection with Red/Amber/Green light
Child will naturally drop everything on the floor then begin crying

Standards: Retrieve as many of the requested items as possible before the light turns green. Most items retrieved wins.

Deductions for:

the driver in the car behind you honks

Mom-Strength Events

Grocery Powerlifting, presented by Sara

Task: Carry as many groceries from the car to the house as possible

Conditions:

Given: endless bags full of groceries
Subsequent rounds include: plastic bags

Standards: heaviest weight carried wins.

Deductions for:

Ripped bags
dropping groceries

100M Kid Carrying Race, presented by Emily

Task: Carry as many kids in one pass as possible from the car to the store

Conditions:

Given: an endless supply of kids to carry
distance of 100M between car and store

Standards: Carry as many of them at one time as possible. Most kids (therefore weight) carried in single pass wins.

Deductions for:

dropping a kid
Falling
forgetting to close the door or lock the car
forgetting purse/wallet

Dirty Diaper Wrestling presented by Allison

Task: Change an 18-month-old’s poopy diaper

Conditions:

Given: 1 each 18-month-old, who wears diapers, with a nasty blowout. Child must be mobile and able to run.
Athlete will chase after child approximately 15 yards, successfully wrestle him/her to changing station, then execute diaper change operations
Subsequent rounds will consist of this child being a male (and all.the.things. associated with blowouts for boys), the blowout occurring 20 minutes ago, and/or the blowout occurring while said child was in a seated position.

Standards: Child is clean, with new diaper, clean clothes (as appropriate for subsequent rounds). Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

ya know, no deductions for this. This is not a very fun event, so let’s let the athletes get away with whatever they need here!

Technical Events (these require serious skills and mom-like reflexes)

Find The Missing Piece, presented by Kerry

Task: Find the missing piece of a puzzle, game, or LEGO set

Conditions:

Given: 1 child frantically upset about missing one single piece from a puzzle, game, or LEGO set
Bins and bins of toys to search in and toys all over the floor

Standards: Retrieve the missing item and return it to said child as fast as you can.

Deductions for:

finding the wrong missing piece
telling the child to do it on their own
forgetting or losing something (or someone)

Telephone, presented by Jen

Task: Conduct a conversation on the phone

Conditions:

Given: 2 child and athlete’s cell phone
Athlete conducts phone call with school teacher
Children playing and yelling demands in the background
Subsequent rounds include: preparing kids’ meal while on phone

Standards: Accurately repeat what was said to you on the phone.

Deductions for:

forgetting something that was discussed on phone
having conversation with/yelling at kids while on the phone (you know so much that the person you’re talking to wonders if you’re even paying attention to them at all!)

Baby Sleep Dance, presented by Jen

- presented by Jen

Task: Help child fall asleep then place sleeping child in bed without waking up (Partner Event)

Conditions:

Given: 1 spouse, 1 drowsy, 13 month old child, and one sleeping surface for the child
Athletes may request props prior to starting the event (carrier, exercise ball, rocking chair, sound machine, pacifier, anything, ANYTHING that will get that kid to sleep and stay asleep!
Points awarded for creativity, form, execution of rocking execution of bouncing, transfer between partners.
Athletes will be cut off at 30 minutes (seriously, no one wants to try to get a kid to sleep for 30 minutes, it’s only fair to the athlete!)
Event is judged similarly to ice skating and gymnastics with each event having a general difficulty score then deductions coming from performance

Standards: Execute and perform your choreographed routine as flawlessly as possible.

Deductions for:

Child waking up within 5 minutes of being put down
Swearing
Tears (I don’t care who they are from!)

Store Bathroom Mania, presented by Erica

Task: Go to the bathroom in a store with two children

Conditions: ya know, Erica wrote this so well, I’m just going to type what she said:

Given: three children - one potty trained, one almost there but still in a pull up, and one very new toddler

- Head to the nearest public restroom because the trainee has to go potty.

- Arrive to bathroom to find handicap stall out of order/in use.

- Fit all three children and yourself into regular stall.

- Hang up purse/diaper bag without knocking any of them in the head.

- Successfully lay down toilet protector/toilet tissue without it falling into the toilet of its own volition or because the toddler pushed it in.

- Pull down trainees pull up to find out she pooped in it (and feels bad about because she “really tried”).

- Assuage trainee before her disappointment tears turn into tantrum.

- While doing this, ensure the toddler and older child aren’t touching anything germ-laden.

- Successfully change a poopy pull up without a changing table, standing up in a stall, with the other kids, without getting the poop on anyone or anything and dumping the load into the toilet.

- While changing, potty trained child has to go potty and can’t reach toilet protector - successfully complete an arabesque to grab protector and return to squat position in less than 3 seconds.

- Ensure toddler is still not touching anything germy.

- Place protector, while still manipulating pull up change, without it falling into the toilet, again.

- Oldest child has done a number two. Finish pull up change and assist in wiping; ensure your toddler doesn’t touch the oldest siblings butt and what’s in the toilet.

- Flush toilet with foot, grab bag (again without hitting any in the head), and open stall door without hitting any of the kids or yourself with the door.

- Wash hands without getting any excessive amount of water on the counter or floor.

- Smell something...toddler has gone to the bathroom in her diaper. Look for changing table to conduct routine change...there is none...make it happen, regardless.

Standards: Everyone’s bowels and bladders are empty. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

Poop on athlete
poop on non-pooping child

100M Potty Dash, presented by Aspen

Task: 100M Toddler Dash to the Potty

Conditions:

- Round 1: Given one toddler who has to use the potty, in underwear and elastic waistband pants (Round 2 has zipper and snap pants, Round 3 has zipper and button pants).

Single-story Target store
10 Restocking carts randomly strewn throughout the store
Round 2/3 may include closed aisles, closed restrooms, and/or lines at the restroom

Standards: Child makes it to the potty before any leaks occur

Deductions for:

Accident
Disqualified if mom has no back-up clothes

Household Events

Meal Planning Madness, presented by Jamon

Task: Plan weekly meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks) for athlete, another adult/partner, and 2 kids

Conditions:

Given: weekly budget
1 child will only eat 5 things
other adult/partner does not eat leftovers
1 child has extra-curricular event twice per week and misses dinner
Points awarded for creativity in meals, leftover factor (can meal be made into a second meal), “healthy”

Standards: Seated in seats with all bags on the airplane. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

going over budget
repeating same meal in one week (this includes PB&J!)

Laundry Relay, presented by every mom, everywhere, but mentioned by Trista

Task: Figure out a way to make clothes clean, again, and again, and again, then fold and put it away

Conditions:

Given: All the laundry in the house
Washing machine and dryer
lights and darks, all mixed together

Standards: Complete a load of laundry from start to putting away as quickly as possible

Deductions for:

washing money
Losing socks
putting clothes in the wrong child’s room
forgetting you ran the wash
shrinking your partner’s t-shirt
my list could go on!

Dishwasher Tetris, presented by Kari

Task: Fill the dishwasher then empty and put it away

Conditions:

Given: all sorts of dishes - utensils, plates, bowls, Tupperware, coffee pot, etc. - and dishwasher

Standards: All dishes are put in to the diswasher, cleaned, then put away. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

Unclean pieces (silverware included)
leaving any dishes out

Small Toy Obstacle Course, presented by Cynthia

Task: Get from the front door to the back of the house without injury to athlete or waking anyone in the house

Conditions:

Given: floor littered with small toys like magna-tiles, LEGOs, hot wheels, Barbie accessories, and dog squeaky toys
This event occurs at night after everyone in the house is asleep

Standards: Get from the front door to the back as fast as you can. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for:

stepping on a toy
disqualified for waking a sleeping person in the house

Playroom Pick-Up, presented by Allison

Task: Pick up the playroom as fast as you can

Conditions:

Given: 1 playroom, several baskets, and more toys/trucks/LEGOs/dolls/puzzle pieces/trains/dress-up clothes/LEGOs/books/art supplies/magna-tiles/LEGOS than you ever imagined you’d have in your house.
Subsequent rounds will consist of more LEGOs and more cars/trucks and more furniture for them to make their way under!

Standards: Put everything where it belongs. Fastest time wins.

Deductions for (each deduction adds 10 seconds to finishing time):

Tripping on or falling over toys
Swearing
Tears (I don’t care who they are from!)

I hope you got a kick out of this week's blog post and all of the creativity. It was fun to think about if the tasks in our motherhood adventure were just competitions and could end! Come back next week for a much heavier topic...until then...

Stay Blessed,